Last night I had a dream that I was doing a talk show to promote my new book, and the RHCP were the musical guest. In the dream, I had this great heart to heart with Anthony Kiedis. I think it's because I'm reading Scar Tissue, his biography, but I woke up from the dream with this amazing sense of creativity, and I jotted this down real fast--and in light of my ability to lose my own writing when it's not on a computer somewhere--I post it here.

( No title. No music. Just a few words with a dour theme )

...no meaning, no greatness, and an awkward jilting rhyme scheme. If I have the balls maybe I'll show a friend and see what they can do with it.

In other news, book 2 of Trip is done. As of yet untitled. I like the idea of the one word title, something evocative, meaningful. As I edit, maybe it'll come to me. I'm walking the tightrope of confidence. How to edit something objectively when it came from the heart. And how to maintain faith in my own ability to write and still take in criticism without getting defensive. How is it that I'm 22 and in so many ways still a child?

My brain needs a reset button.

For the first time in my adult life, I can honestly say--I'm proud to be an American. In the past I've said I should've been born in the 60s...now, I realize I was born at exactly the right time. I watched history being made on Tuesday, cheered in excitement as the nation woke from its fearful slumber and took a stance against the actions that have been taken over the past 8 years.

Next year, kids of all races will go to Disneyworld, and they'll go to the hall of presidents, and when they do, they'll see 43 old white men--and a black man. Kids growing up in America who have been told they can do whatever they want but maybe didn't believe it will watch Barack run our nation, and hopefully they'll look at him and say, "yes I can". It's not just a campaign speech; it's a promise and a mantra for all of America. There is hope again--there is a reason to begin renewing my trust in the government. We have a shot to fix everything that's been corrupted and destroyed over the past two presidential terms. We have a chance at making things right again. I just hope we don't fuck it up.

some years ago the world was red
with righteous indignation
of her hapless move toward glory.
a battleground of sound and scope
that left her scarred
with bandages removed.

the seasons passed--and seasoned
now, she sheds the mask of solace
worn to hide
those features from the sneers
on plaster faces.
rooms of disembodied hands in motions
mannequins of anger.

some years ago she gave them
all of her, exposed, and
donning armor now seems natural.
the gap dividing have and not
grows wider; bridges crumble
but still doggedly she holds her ground
just this side of obscurity.

on skin on limbs twist lines of white
weaving snakes of memory
the map to heart displayed
for all to see.
but now so easily
it's turned away.
the battered helm of psyche tempered
in acceptance of her imperfection.

The New American Music Union festival has come and gone. It was awesome--I'm sad it's over, admittedly, for oh so many reasons. It was pretty cool being in Pittsburgh without family obligations. Plus, now that it's over, it's about that time for me to actually get back to living my life instead of doing all this fun summer-type stuff. My last year of school is about to start and I'm still in 1-pm wake-up mode. Bollocks.

As for the concert itself, didn't see many of the college acts but the ones I did see were meh. I'd never heard anything by Spoon or Black Mountain and was pleasantly surprised by both. Gnarls Barkley was pretty cool, but not nearly as incredible as the Black Keys, the Roots, Raconteurs--and, of course, Dylan. So much the experience and so much good music I'll never forget.


There's a spider on my screen. Completely unimportant; I just noticed it.

Nothing else is really happening. I suppose that's enough interest for one week, though. Only other point of interest is that there's no news from the publishing house. No news is probably not good news. C'est la vie.

And I really do mean to keep updating. Really, I do. But I get so distracted by life, and I'm a terrible friend for not trying to stay in contact with people in any way I can, but I can't bring myself to spend time writing about life instead of just living life. Hrmf.

There's too much that's happened since the last time I updated. Bullet-format entry to catch up and then, really, I am going to keep updating. Probably. Maybe. Hopefully.

Major events that have happened since last entry:
-got married
-finished senior recital
-went to Disneyworld
-rebuilt friendship with my mum after many years of sustained resentment

Current points of interest:

1: I've started writing again, which is very exciting to me in a way I don't think many people can realize. When I was in high school, I wrote out of a feeling of pain, and it was like my little creative attempt at escaping reality. I didn't like who I was, so I wrote myself as someone better, with a better life in a better time--idealized self-realization. I stopped writing because I thought it was healthier for me, but I've always missed it. The fact that I can write again and simply love the experience and create for the joy of creating instead of using it as something to perpetuate angst...I think that's as exciting to me as the concept of reconnecting with the written word. Maybe that didn't make sense to anyone else. Oh well. In any case, writing=good; first novel since high school has been sent to a publisher, and who knows what can happen with that. Hopefully only good things.

2: I've decided I really don't want to be a performing musician, which is the scariest thing in the world to realize when you're heading into the fifth year of a bachelor in music. It's cool, though. I'll work it out. Musicology is still the main goal. Maybe I should be writing research papers instead of books? Hmmm.

3: Summer of good concerts. Saw 311 with Snoop in CBus and I'm going to Pittsburgh to see Dylan, Roots, Black Keys, Raconteurs, Gnarls Barkley...list goes on. Super excited for that. It'll be my first festival and a warm up for next summer, when I WILL make it to either Rothbury, Coachella, or Bonnaroo. Promise promise.

4: A couple people from high school found me on facebook. It was good to talk to them again. I think I've reached the point of stability in my life where I can look back on High School as a pleasant memory and a period of growth rather than be entranced by the what ifs and regrets I saw before. It's weird, but it's coming up on five years since my days at Westerville North. All the memories are taking on that misty haze of reminiscence. I like it better, that way. Might even make some attempt to communicate with people who could potentially be my friend again but with whom I ended on bad terms. Might be a really stupid idea. Might do it anyway.

5: Married life is wonderful. Life in general is wonderful. I am happier at this moment in time than I can ever remember being in the past, and I feel like I'm actively moving toward my future, and like I'm starting to figure everything out. It's a cool thing, really.

...and I'm spent. Other writing to be done. I'm working on a short story for a couple competitions I found. It's called the Theory of Talents. Hopefully will finish it in the next week or so. Rock.

I got an e-mail yesterday telling me that my wedding is in 6 months. Nothing really important in this post--just that who the hell told life it could go this fast? I think the semester has lasted all of a week. aaaaaaahhhhhh.

In other news, we cooked Thanksgiving, bought a Christmas tree, and I had the greatest bonding experience with a friend I've ever had in my life.

Also, I have now made 150 origami butterflies, 50 origami lilies, have 100 more lilies and 20 other pieces to make, and my fingers are going to be red for the next week. Not red sore or red bleeding or anything that dramatic. Literally red with the dye from the fucking paper. I look a bit diseased.

Gunnar rescheduled my lesson for 9:20 tomorrow morning. I should be sleeping. I'm not.

But I wrote another poem. Want to read it? ( Of course you do. )

...and I'm spent. To sleep, perchance to dream...

And where were we? God only knows. Birthday party was awesome, and turning 21 was probably one of the most exciting things that's ever happened to me. I lead a boring life.

I don't know why I'm updating this. I think I feel guilty for abandoning my lj, when I should just delete it. Maybe someone actually reads this? I don't know. In either case, I think I want to start keeping a pen and paper journal. Gives me something to do during chamber lit.

It's hard to think of something to post here. I'm happy. Not that "I'm saying it for the sake of the world but don't really" mean it kind of happy. Like, I have nothing to bitch about. I'm busy but it's all going well...Steve and I are happy, I might actually know what I want to do with my life, my friends are amazing. I don't know if I've ever experienced this before. I'm at a bit of a loss for words.

More amazing is that I've started writing a bit again. I've never been able to write happy before, but who knows where this'll go? Or even how good the stuff is. Anyway, maybe I'm all grown up, now. I don't know when I went from playing at this real life thing to actually being a part of it--I don't know when I stopped consulting my dad any time I made a decision, or at what point I started thinking of other adults as peers. I don't know when I got responsible and figured out my life. It's like I woke up one morning a few weeks ago and was suddenly ready to face the world and at peace with that. I'm a bit confused by the whole process, but not really complaining.

Livejournal is a great time killer, though, so I don't think I'll abandon it just yet. Between this, facebook, and addictinggames.com I should be able to survive the semester with sanity intact. The last two weeks have felt like a day and a year at the same time. In waking life, nothing makes as much sense as in dreams, and sometimes looking back you can't tell the difference between the two. Lines all blur and boundaries fall...but then you realize it doesn't even matter. The moment is here, and it'll leave just that fast, and don't even think about it....because you've got a lot of living to do with this life, baby.

I like that I'm recording my ramblings for posterity. It's most of what goes on in my mind, so why not? I find it interesting, if no one else does.

Now to just go back and clear up those awkward years at the start...future project of my life, I think. Hey hey.

Okay, it's ciggy time, then practice time. Then performance time. Then Star Trek time. Oh how I love my rut.

PS: When I spell checked, it had a problem with: Lj, this'll, livejournal, facebook, addictinggames...but simply accepted the word "ciggy"? Shady business, man.

So, I changed my password again because I had completely forgotten it...again. My memory is apparently non-existent. Wonder how that happened? Heh.

Our little Mingus died today :-( We knew from the day we got her she'd be weak because both her and Brownie are inbred. She was fine for the first few months, but we've been taking her to the vet a lot lately for various things. I think she just had a really low immune system. This last time, they gave us some medicine, but pretty much told us she had no chance of making it. We did everything we could for her, but I think it was her time. Now, she's not suffering anymore. And we had a great year with her, so I wouldn't change anything if I could, because I loved that little 'goo to death. All degus go to heaven, right? Brownie's perfectly okay. We seriously think she has some kind of mental problem, and might even be happier alone. we'll see.

Anyway, on to happier things. Excited about my birthday party. I'll be attending as one of the Uma Thurman girls--if I can find it, a yellow jumpsuit like the Bride. If not, her outfit in Pulp Fiction, which is pretty easy to find. The beverages have been planned. Keystones for beer pong, nice beer of some kind for the close friends in the upstairs fridge--and a beverage for each of the reservoir dogs, as follows:
Mr. White: white russian
Mr. Brown: Rum & coke
Mr. Pink: Jello shots
Mr. Blue: Ritz Fizz
Mr. Orange: screwdriver
Mr. Blond: Whiskey sour

...yes yes friends, excitement abounds.

New apartment rocks. New roomates are awesome. Love to everything. Going to go pretend to do some work, and veg out for my last few days before the semester starts.

Supposedly a score over 85 means you have no life.

( Let's confirm what we all know already. )
Total: 148

Yee-haw.

I've been dealing with some stress lately. And by some stress, I mean I feel like I'm about to collapse pretty much every moment of my waking life. I can't sleep much anyway, and when I do, my dreams are...disturbing. Old memories I want to forget. Fears that I never want to think about having come true.

But I'm focused still. Even if I don't know what I want to do with life--I know I love being alive. I know there's so much that's beautiful and so much to love--and so little to hate. I get frustrated; I get angry; I get scared. Maybe I'm still messed up in the head. This is the big thing, though: I can deal.

Let's say that together. I can deal.

I'll smoke a cigarette. I'll scream and cry and kick my stand over in frustration. I'll listen to loud music and dance like an idiot and sing along. I'll write. I'll play. And I'll deal.

What matters is what I'm *not* doing. I'm not relapsing into old, bad habits. I'm not giving up. I'm not running away. That matters.

I think I didn't realize before how far I'd come because I hadn't had a personal crisis in so long that I didn't realize how much better I cope with it now than I ever have before in my life. I've never been this stable, and I never want to be any more stable. That would be boring. Right now, I'm just...me. Finally, completely, without regrets, and without apologies.